Trick or Treat

Progression of a Cluster-Fuck

1. Merge inappropriately.
   
2. Squeeeeeze on in.
3. Confuse the other idiots on the road, who now decide that maybe you had the right idea all along.
4. Watch with delight as all merging ceases to exist, and everyone attempts to have multiple lanes feed unrestrained onto the helix.
5. Bwah Ha Ha Ha!!!
   

Happy Halloween.

And here I was hoping everyone would go as a "Good Driver" for Halloween...

Pop Quiz!

OK kids, what's wrong with the following image?



If you answered "the car crossing the white line into the other merge lane", you're correct!!!

Meanwhile, look closely. You will see that had he stayed in the correct lane (to the right) and merged correctly within his traffic pattern (only one lane remained), he would have approached the bridge at least 4 or 5 cars ahead of where he ultimately wound up. In our lane he had about two merges to go before the helix.

Silly commuter!

Faux Pax Friday

Back in the day, you could always count on Friday being a nice, easy traffic day. Apparently, that is no longer the case. Got on the road a bit earlier this morning, sans camera since I figured it would be an easy shot into the city. Missed out on two women putting on makeup and one newspaper spread wide from driver's side to passenger's side reader.

You think I'd learn.

Space, the Final Frontier Revisited

This evening's bus ride, I came across an anomaly. The gentleman I sat down next to asked me if I had enough room. And helped me to dislodge my enormous shopping bag from beneath the seat when it came time to disembark.

Thank you, kind sir. Your kindness was most appreciated.

Space, the Final Frontier

Today's observations have to do with spacial relations.

1. A lovely lady sat on me this morning on the bus. Yes, on me. She wasn't obese. She wasn't mean. She was just oblivious. She clearly hung over her side of the seat, pressing up against my leg, and at one point even overlapped me. I think she was even tilted so as to lean against me. Good morning.
   
2. Our bus driver was an idiot who seemed to have two gears - fast driving and short stopping. It's a huge bus, it shouldn't be a surprise that it might not fit into that itty-bitty space. Lovely.
3. Umbrellas hurt when they bang into your head. Being a shortie, I am always aware of my umbrella - it's generally check to neck height for the people I'm walking amidst. So, when they approach or I walk by, I raise it up (like Mary Poppins) so that it clears their heads. I get a bit wet, but at least I'm not smacking any one. This morning someone walked past me and must have lowered their enormous umbrella (let's not get started on that subject this morning), and one of the points smacked into the top of my head. Nice.
4. When you walk into an elevator, step to the back. Move out of the freaking way. This is especially true when you're not going to be the first person off the elevator. Because now I have to squeeze past you twice. Once to get past your ass to get on, and another to get off. Thank you so very much.
   

Dicktionary

asshat (noun) - slicing across several lanes of traffic and cutting in front of other cars, only to read a book and leave large gaps of space between you and the car ahead of you. Compounding the issue by constantly turning around to talk to your child, secured in a car seat in the back.

www.avon.com

After a few days of being relegated to the bus-commute, I once again traveled the PIP en route to NYC. Awake (for once), camera in lap we approached the tolls for the GWB. I had previously seen a woman in an SUV applying makeup as we drove along, unencumbered by traffic. Seeing as how we (both the right and left lane) were flying by at a nice, respectable clip (~60 mph), there was no opportunity to take a photograph. Reread that previous sentence, taking note of the fact that this woman was applying make-up while driving at or above the speed limit. Really.

Accepting that I wouldn't be able to take a clear picture of her, I sat back in my seat and awaited the plethora of idiocies awaiting me at the tolls. And I wasn't disappointed - lo and behold, another woman putting on her makeup! And, for once, I had fresh batteries! What a way to start the day!

Whereupon I came to the following realization:

Make-up-putter-on-ers seem to always be in the far right lane at the tolls (the cash only lane). I am always in the far left lane (the get out of my way I have no time for your bullshit lane). As such, there are always cars in between, obstructing my shot of the women in question.

Ah, the inhumanity of it all...

The Weekend Paper

2 Newspapers
1 Magazine

1 near miss, almost rear-ended by one of the guys reading a paper.

He was driving a RED CROSS VEHICLE.

Nice.

The Wheels on the Bus, Verse 2

Rules for being a decent human being:

1. When the person sitting next to you on the bus is sleeping, don't talk on your cell phone.

See how easy I am?

Big Brother Is Watching

From my roving reporter:

"Most people read the manual for their car at home. This guy is reading it while driving. Guess he did not get to the part that says DO NOT READ THIS WHILE DRIVING. Even a GPS will tell you not to program while driving."

Running On Empty

Things I've learned while in the passenger's seat:

1. Cameras can't capture an image the same way the eye does. For example, when I look at the vanity mirror on my visor I have a clear view of the imbecile reading behind me. But when I attempt to take a picture of that reflection, it doesn't exist. Ah, the miracles of optical science.
2. When connecting your camera to your computer via USB, the camera remains powered by the batteries, NOT the computer. Therefore, if you get sidelined doing actual (paid) work and leave the camera connected, you drain battery power.
3. Once your camera powers off due to a dead battery (see lesson #2 above), someone will drive past/next/behind you doing something so ridiculously idiotic that it will seem inhumanly unfair that your batteries are dead and you can't take a picture.
   

I Walk the Line

Sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason. I've come to believe that Escalades have to be avoided at all costs. Their drivers are incompetent, oblivious and obnoxious.

She's thinking about it...

Tries to get in...

But eventually, remains in the correct lane. Notice how she actually comes out ahead of the game by merging appropriately??

Paint by Numbers

I am forever thwarted by short battery life.

This morning, I attempted to capture shots of a woman in a silver Honda as she applied her makeup going through the tolls.

Sadly, I was never able to get a close enough shot (she was in the far right cash only lane). As I shot off picture after unusable picture, she continued her morning ritual, unaware. Just as I was in a prime position my camera shut down. The batteries were dead.

True to form, later in the morning as we were merging onto the West Side Highway, the woman in front of us (different woman, same brand of idiot) was putting on her makeup as well.

It would have been a beautiful picture.

I'm always tempted to roll down the window and shout out to the woman in question, "Give up! No amount of makeup will help!".

Have I mentioned yet that I'm mean?

It's raining idiots

I'll be honest with you. Nothing interesting happened this morning on our way into the city. In fact, I napped through most of the trip. Really (those of you who've ever driven with my father are probably shaking your head incredulously right now).

But I do have one observation to make - rain makes stupid drivers even stupider, if that's even possible. It's amazing what those little droplets of water can do.

I can't wait until the really stupid folks come out in the snowstorms.

Oooh boy.

Extra! Extra!

With the return of the work week, so returns the traffic. And with it, one of my all-time-favorites, the readers - notice how he's got the paper spread wide.

I should mention that this CHEVY had MD plates.

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable knowing that my Dr. drives a Chevy (and puts MD vanity plates on it). Call me snotty (I am), but that just makes me wonder....

Meet the Jetsons

First the Mini, then the Smart Car....now:

Japan's Nissan Motor Co. on Friday unveiled a new version of its egg-shaped Pivo concept car that can drive sideways and has a small robot to assist with navigation or calm down angry drivers....read the rest of the article here.

That's great. But can it flip the bird?

If only

Simchat Torah + Columbus Day Weekend =

...a VERY lovely commute.

Shemini Atzeret

"Shemini Atzeret marks the beginning of the rainy season following the harvest in Israel. The prayer for rain, Tefilat Geshem, is the only ritual that is unique to Shemini Atzeret. Simchat Torah is celebrated on the second day of Shemini Atzeret in the Diaspora and on the only day of Shemini Atzeret in Israel." from Judaism.com

In NY, it means no traffic.

Old Ladies should never drive Ford Explorers

...I'm just sayin'.

Say "Cheese"!

There I was, minding my own business....napping fitfully in the passenger seat (I made sure to be awake for our journey through the tolls and onto the GWB, of course). Traffic was blissfully light, so I was most definitely not on my game, as I assumed I'd have no feed for the fodder. To my right, I see an SUV merging behind us, across the thick white line (we've discussed this kids). What's amusing about this is that she definitely didn't do herself any favors - she would have made it around the helix before us had she remained in the correct merging pattern. Instead she traded a 3 to 1 lane merge for a 4 to 1 lane merge. Brilliant.

We merge, and continue along on our way. And then I see it. Black Audi. Hanging behind, not keeping up with traffic. Tada! We have a reader! Naturally, I attempt to catch her in the act.




As I shoot off a few pictures, she catches me! Looks at me like I'm nuts. I smiled.




Later, we wound up two cars behind her on the West Side Hwy. She was on the phone.

I would have liked for her to confront me, and ask me (verbally) wtf I was doing. That way I would have the opportunity to tell her that as long as people do stupid shit while they're driving, I'll be the stupid idiot behind the camera, recording it.

It's going to be a good day :)

Manic Monday

I fully expected to post a picture of a deserted toll-booth this morning, as we got a late start and didn't head into the city until well after rush-hour. Imagine my surprise when I was confronted with this:

As it turned out, there was a fender bender in the right lane of the bridge span. Mind you, there was nary a scratch on either vehicle. But, for some reason or another, they felt compelled to park their asses right there and wait for the police. Oy.

People, unless there is broken glass and some impressive body damage, just call it a crappy day and move on.

Please.