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The Short Bus

The special drivers were out in full force this morning.

The merge-impaired and the gas-pedal-challenged.

It was loverly.

Frosty the Snowman

People are even stupider in the snow than they are in the rain.

I'm just sayin'.

We've had small amounts of snowfall this past week, and each time you'd think people were driving in if for the very first time EVER.

People, we live in the Northeast.

Take the bus, and get out of the way.

Please.

Status Quo

I should probably be thankful that our morning commute has been less than exciting. However, that doesn't give me very much to work with, in regards to being snarky.

Filler

Today I was armed with charged batteries. Of course, that can mean only one thing - a very boring commute. Ah well. Next time.

'nuff said :)

Mr. Rogers

It was a relatively uneventful morning commute. Slow drivers, merge-impaired drivers, phone-chatting drivers, texting drivers, crackberry drivers. Just a typical day on the road.

Oh, and I didn't have my camera, so it's a good thing there were no makeup putter'on'er nose-pickers out on the road.

There's a first time for everything....

I really need to be more observant. And figure out how to take fast-action pictures. AGAIN this morning we passed someone reading on the PIP, going around 60 mph. I NEVER thought I'd say this, but couldn't he have waited until we were sitting in traffic?

Good Little Worker Bees

How's My Driving?

The place: 42nd Street and Dyer Avenue
The set up: morning rush hour gridlock
The characters: Us and Them (a Coach USA commuter bus).

The light has just turned green for the 42nd Street traffic.

But wait! This bus decided to go anyway...

Now we all know who would win this battle, so the little passenger car holds back.


Sometimes, the camera comes in handy...

Multi-tasking, the Pashmina way

The best part about the days I take the bus into the city is the guilt-free nap. I just wish I didn't drool so much.

You get what you pay for

$1 Spot at Target is not my friend.

I picked up batteries there the other night.

Opened the package, put them in the camera.

Got into the car.

Sat in traffic.

Turned on camera.

The message "change the batteries" appears on the viewfinder.

I just did!

:(

Tru Confessions

I have absolutely nothing witty to say today. It was a typical morning of newspapers and the merge handicapped.

And dying batteries, of course ;)

OK, fine! You figured it out! It's all a sham - I don't actually write these posts myself... My team of (union) writers does it all for me. And, since they're on strike, I'm struggling now to keep it up on my own...

There you have it.

It Must Be Raindrops

Need I say more?

Mornin'

Aside from traffic from Exit 1 thru the tolls, this was actually a nice, quiet morning.

Math

Today's theme is being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

One wayward van crossing my big white line:

Plus one man on a make-believe motorcycle in my left turn only lane:

(buy a grown up motorcycle and learn how to read, mister)

As the light turns green, he veers to the right and cuts into that lane.

= typical commute.

Have a great weekend!

Turn, Turn, Turn

Really. I mean, REALLY. I know I always harp on people reading while commuting, but it's so prevalent these days that it actually frightens me.

This morning we passed a man in and SUV reading the newspaper. In the LEFT lane of the PIP, going OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.

Now, I habitually drive above the speed limit. But to do so while reading?

HOW can this man, or ANYONE, think that this is acceptable behavior?

After passing him, it seemed as though everywhere I turned I saw another page turn.

Sometimes I really want to scream.

Trick or Treat

Progression of a Cluster-Fuck

1. Merge inappropriately.
   
2. Squeeeeeze on in.
3. Confuse the other idiots on the road, who now decide that maybe you had the right idea all along.
4. Watch with delight as all merging ceases to exist, and everyone attempts to have multiple lanes feed unrestrained onto the helix.
5. Bwah Ha Ha Ha!!!
   

Happy Halloween.

And here I was hoping everyone would go as a "Good Driver" for Halloween...

Pop Quiz!

OK kids, what's wrong with the following image?



If you answered "the car crossing the white line into the other merge lane", you're correct!!!

Meanwhile, look closely. You will see that had he stayed in the correct lane (to the right) and merged correctly within his traffic pattern (only one lane remained), he would have approached the bridge at least 4 or 5 cars ahead of where he ultimately wound up. In our lane he had about two merges to go before the helix.

Silly commuter!

Faux Pax Friday

Back in the day, you could always count on Friday being a nice, easy traffic day. Apparently, that is no longer the case. Got on the road a bit earlier this morning, sans camera since I figured it would be an easy shot into the city. Missed out on two women putting on makeup and one newspaper spread wide from driver's side to passenger's side reader.

You think I'd learn.

Space, the Final Frontier Revisited

This evening's bus ride, I came across an anomaly. The gentleman I sat down next to asked me if I had enough room. And helped me to dislodge my enormous shopping bag from beneath the seat when it came time to disembark.

Thank you, kind sir. Your kindness was most appreciated.

Space, the Final Frontier

Today's observations have to do with spacial relations.

1. A lovely lady sat on me this morning on the bus. Yes, on me. She wasn't obese. She wasn't mean. She was just oblivious. She clearly hung over her side of the seat, pressing up against my leg, and at one point even overlapped me. I think she was even tilted so as to lean against me. Good morning.
   
2. Our bus driver was an idiot who seemed to have two gears - fast driving and short stopping. It's a huge bus, it shouldn't be a surprise that it might not fit into that itty-bitty space. Lovely.
3. Umbrellas hurt when they bang into your head. Being a shortie, I am always aware of my umbrella - it's generally check to neck height for the people I'm walking amidst. So, when they approach or I walk by, I raise it up (like Mary Poppins) so that it clears their heads. I get a bit wet, but at least I'm not smacking any one. This morning someone walked past me and must have lowered their enormous umbrella (let's not get started on that subject this morning), and one of the points smacked into the top of my head. Nice.
4. When you walk into an elevator, step to the back. Move out of the freaking way. This is especially true when you're not going to be the first person off the elevator. Because now I have to squeeze past you twice. Once to get past your ass to get on, and another to get off. Thank you so very much.
   

Dicktionary

asshat (noun) - slicing across several lanes of traffic and cutting in front of other cars, only to read a book and leave large gaps of space between you and the car ahead of you. Compounding the issue by constantly turning around to talk to your child, secured in a car seat in the back.

www.avon.com

After a few days of being relegated to the bus-commute, I once again traveled the PIP en route to NYC. Awake (for once), camera in lap we approached the tolls for the GWB. I had previously seen a woman in an SUV applying makeup as we drove along, unencumbered by traffic. Seeing as how we (both the right and left lane) were flying by at a nice, respectable clip (~60 mph), there was no opportunity to take a photograph. Reread that previous sentence, taking note of the fact that this woman was applying make-up while driving at or above the speed limit. Really.

Accepting that I wouldn't be able to take a clear picture of her, I sat back in my seat and awaited the plethora of idiocies awaiting me at the tolls. And I wasn't disappointed - lo and behold, another woman putting on her makeup! And, for once, I had fresh batteries! What a way to start the day!

Whereupon I came to the following realization:

Make-up-putter-on-ers seem to always be in the far right lane at the tolls (the cash only lane). I am always in the far left lane (the get out of my way I have no time for your bullshit lane). As such, there are always cars in between, obstructing my shot of the women in question.

Ah, the inhumanity of it all...

The Weekend Paper

2 Newspapers
1 Magazine

1 near miss, almost rear-ended by one of the guys reading a paper.

He was driving a RED CROSS VEHICLE.

Nice.

The Wheels on the Bus, Verse 2

Rules for being a decent human being:

1. When the person sitting next to you on the bus is sleeping, don't talk on your cell phone.

See how easy I am?

Big Brother Is Watching

From my roving reporter:

"Most people read the manual for their car at home. This guy is reading it while driving. Guess he did not get to the part that says DO NOT READ THIS WHILE DRIVING. Even a GPS will tell you not to program while driving."

Running On Empty

Things I've learned while in the passenger's seat:

1. Cameras can't capture an image the same way the eye does. For example, when I look at the vanity mirror on my visor I have a clear view of the imbecile reading behind me. But when I attempt to take a picture of that reflection, it doesn't exist. Ah, the miracles of optical science.
2. When connecting your camera to your computer via USB, the camera remains powered by the batteries, NOT the computer. Therefore, if you get sidelined doing actual (paid) work and leave the camera connected, you drain battery power.
3. Once your camera powers off due to a dead battery (see lesson #2 above), someone will drive past/next/behind you doing something so ridiculously idiotic that it will seem inhumanly unfair that your batteries are dead and you can't take a picture.
   

I Walk the Line

Sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason. I've come to believe that Escalades have to be avoided at all costs. Their drivers are incompetent, oblivious and obnoxious.

She's thinking about it...

Tries to get in...

But eventually, remains in the correct lane. Notice how she actually comes out ahead of the game by merging appropriately??

Paint by Numbers

I am forever thwarted by short battery life.

This morning, I attempted to capture shots of a woman in a silver Honda as she applied her makeup going through the tolls.

Sadly, I was never able to get a close enough shot (she was in the far right cash only lane). As I shot off picture after unusable picture, she continued her morning ritual, unaware. Just as I was in a prime position my camera shut down. The batteries were dead.

True to form, later in the morning as we were merging onto the West Side Highway, the woman in front of us (different woman, same brand of idiot) was putting on her makeup as well.

It would have been a beautiful picture.

I'm always tempted to roll down the window and shout out to the woman in question, "Give up! No amount of makeup will help!".

Have I mentioned yet that I'm mean?

It's raining idiots

I'll be honest with you. Nothing interesting happened this morning on our way into the city. In fact, I napped through most of the trip. Really (those of you who've ever driven with my father are probably shaking your head incredulously right now).

But I do have one observation to make - rain makes stupid drivers even stupider, if that's even possible. It's amazing what those little droplets of water can do.

I can't wait until the really stupid folks come out in the snowstorms.

Oooh boy.

Extra! Extra!

With the return of the work week, so returns the traffic. And with it, one of my all-time-favorites, the readers - notice how he's got the paper spread wide.

I should mention that this CHEVY had MD plates.

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable knowing that my Dr. drives a Chevy (and puts MD vanity plates on it). Call me snotty (I am), but that just makes me wonder....

Meet the Jetsons

First the Mini, then the Smart Car....now:

Japan's Nissan Motor Co. on Friday unveiled a new version of its egg-shaped Pivo concept car that can drive sideways and has a small robot to assist with navigation or calm down angry drivers....read the rest of the article here.

That's great. But can it flip the bird?

If only

Simchat Torah + Columbus Day Weekend =

...a VERY lovely commute.

Shemini Atzeret

"Shemini Atzeret marks the beginning of the rainy season following the harvest in Israel. The prayer for rain, Tefilat Geshem, is the only ritual that is unique to Shemini Atzeret. Simchat Torah is celebrated on the second day of Shemini Atzeret in the Diaspora and on the only day of Shemini Atzeret in Israel." from Judaism.com

In NY, it means no traffic.

Old Ladies should never drive Ford Explorers

...I'm just sayin'.

Say "Cheese"!

There I was, minding my own business....napping fitfully in the passenger seat (I made sure to be awake for our journey through the tolls and onto the GWB, of course). Traffic was blissfully light, so I was most definitely not on my game, as I assumed I'd have no feed for the fodder. To my right, I see an SUV merging behind us, across the thick white line (we've discussed this kids). What's amusing about this is that she definitely didn't do herself any favors - she would have made it around the helix before us had she remained in the correct merging pattern. Instead she traded a 3 to 1 lane merge for a 4 to 1 lane merge. Brilliant.

We merge, and continue along on our way. And then I see it. Black Audi. Hanging behind, not keeping up with traffic. Tada! We have a reader! Naturally, I attempt to catch her in the act.




As I shoot off a few pictures, she catches me! Looks at me like I'm nuts. I smiled.




Later, we wound up two cars behind her on the West Side Hwy. She was on the phone.

I would have liked for her to confront me, and ask me (verbally) wtf I was doing. That way I would have the opportunity to tell her that as long as people do stupid shit while they're driving, I'll be the stupid idiot behind the camera, recording it.

It's going to be a good day :)

Manic Monday

I fully expected to post a picture of a deserted toll-booth this morning, as we got a late start and didn't head into the city until well after rush-hour. Imagine my surprise when I was confronted with this:

As it turned out, there was a fender bender in the right lane of the bridge span. Mind you, there was nary a scratch on either vehicle. But, for some reason or another, they felt compelled to park their asses right there and wait for the police. Oy.

People, unless there is broken glass and some impressive body damage, just call it a crappy day and move on.

Please.

Mixed Signals

Why does NYPD Traffic Control insist on parking their vans and patrol cars in the right-turn-only lane, thus pushing all of that traffic into the lane on the left, and causing a traffic jam as those cars attempt to run right (don't get me started on pedestrians, that's another post entirely) from our lane thereby blocking the intersection for those of us going straight?

Monkey Business

• 2 bananas
• 1 speakerphone
• 1 makeup application
  
• 1 camera with dead batteries
  

Just another day in the passenger seat.

Happy Birthday!

Today just happens to be my Most-est-Favorite-est Police Officer's Birthday! So, in celebration, today we have a special message from Officer B-day:

The cell phone law states hands free.. not speaker phone. Nor does it mean that when moving less than 5 MPH you can talk normally. Please refer to the NYS vehicle and traffic law section on this page:

How not to drive like an idiot

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

The Four Horsemen

And now, for today's winners of the
"I'm an AssHat"
competition:

Here's the guy who used the gas station as an additional lane...









This lovely gentleman was reading, but finally devoted himself to the matter at hand.








The fellow who was going so slowly that he allowed 3 cars to get in front of him in a 1 block span.

But the grand prize goes to The North Star Academy Van (don't quote me on that, I had only 1 cup of coffee so I can't quite recall the name), which pulled onto the West Side Highway at 125th street:


...notice the commercial plates...

Must See TV

This morning's commute was fairly low-key. Lots of traffic (ah, gotta love the U.N.), but less rampant stupidity than usual. In typical Volvo fashion, we had one driver create her own lane:

And of course, when better to catch up on NBC's new night-time TV line up than while driving to work?

...however, today's zipper status was code green, and the white line was breached only by a motorcyclist (who needs to learn to pick up his feet!).

~Stay tuned for last weekend's supplementary post~

The Wheels on the Bus

Today we're going to talk about a relatively unfamiliar subject. Public Transportation. The BUS. Not the subway, which is cool in it's own big-city way, but the Commuter Bus.

Now, don't get me wrong, the bus is o.k. It's just not my preferred method of commuting. For one thing, that whole schedule thing sucks. There are only a few buses that head into the city from my bus stop (which, to be fair, is located across the street from my house). Two, really, that are viable - a 6:50 am and a 7:25 am. As far as the return trip goes, the last express bus out of the city for me is around 8:30 pm.

But the kicker - the final nail in the commuter bus coffin - is sharing a seat. There's nothing worse than spending an hour on a bus with someone crammed up next to you. Sometimes they're smelly, sometimes they spill into your side of the seat, sometimes they just talk on the phone too loudly or, god forbid - snore. You never know what you're going to get saddled with when you take that seat.

So you get on the bus, find an empty seat and pile your bags on the seat closest to the window. You sit in the outer seat, and quickly pull out your book. Pump up the volume on your iPod, and avoid eye contact with everyone who is still filing on. Praying that you've made yourself as unappealing as possible. Each person who passes you by evokes a silent sigh of relief. Maybe, just maybe, you'll make it this time. The bus has plenty of room, lots of open seats....it just might happen. And then, wham! Someone asks, politely, to sit down. Damn. Meanwhile, there are plenty of other people who emerge unscathed, comfortable in their own double-seat.

Dumb luck, or smart planning?

Is there a "right" place to sit on the bus in order to dissuade seatmates? Sitting in the very back is iffy - many people pass up available seats closer to the front in the hopes of finding an empty one further back. When that doesn't pan out, they see you there with your empty window seat - and that's the end of that.

What about the very front of the bus? Also iffy, as there are people who don't care about getting their own seat and will just grab the first available one they come upon.

Which brings us to the mid-section. I believe that there must be a sweet spot. Neither too far back, nor too close to the front. That invisible space that people just glide right by, or never reach. Heaven on multiple-axles.

I'll be searching for it this afternoon. Wish me luck.

Cat-er-hauling

Cats do not make pleasant carpool companions.

Spreadsheets and Coffee

I apologize in advance - I can guarantee that I will mention the following pet peeve multiple times in the future. Just who in the world spread the gospel that reading while driving is OK??

Smoke Inhalation

The above pictured bumper stickers were on the back of a Toyota Prius driven by a woman wearing a respirator. Yes, that's right, a respirator. We're talking a half-face blue poly face piece with pink/purple filtration units. Something like this:

Never a dull moment....

(I should also point out that the above mentioned Prius was later guilty of failing the zipper-merge test...the face mask must have obscured her view of the enormous white line in the pavement).

Today we're also giving a shout out to the red Volvo 850 (with the scraped off parking violation sticker) that was overheating as it went across the bridge. We let you cut in front of us, thinking that you were going to pull into the disabled vehicle lane. Instead, you remained oblivious to your impending break-down and ambled along your way.

Do us all a favor and pull over the next time smoke billows out from beneath the hood of your car.

"Zippity Do Da"

The following is a Public Service Announcement to my fellow PIP to GWB commuters:

It's called MERGING.

That huge white line painted between the 3rd and 4th lane is there for a reason. The 4 lanes to the left merge into one lane; the three to the right follow suit. The resulting two lanes proceed like happy little worker ants around the PIP helix, pausing only to merge in the same fashion at the base of the bridge before continuing on their daily commute.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

TGIF

After countless hours spent traversing the roads to NYC, I've decided it's time to let you all in on my daily commute. So tune in daily for the trials and tribulations of being surrounded by the worst drivers in the Tri-State area.

Be careful, or you might just recognize yourself, as seen through my windshield.